Great! Awesome! In my hungover stupor I had managed to haul myself down the quiet main street of the town where I live, take money from my bank account, and end up standing at the counter of one of the local coffee shops. Searching for something to eat that was both healthy and greasy does not make for an easy task. It's made even worse when the place is hot and I could almost literally feel last night's wine seeping from my pores. Finally I saw that there was a B.L.T. that came with a coffee and fruit. Exactly what I needed. Bacon grease mixed with some fresh fruit. And a coffee. Bless the person who invented coffee.
Upon stumbling back home, daydreaming the entire way, I finally looked at what I had received for my make-shift breakfast. Yes, there was the sandwich, and what was that? That singular itty-bitty piece of watermelon, and two chunks of an apple. So that's my side of fruit, huh? I don't even like watermelon. The one time in my life that I actually opt for a side of fruit and this is what I get? Oh yeah, and there was mustard on the sandwich. I didn't want mustard on my sandwich.
Here's what I'm realizing my problem is, and no it's not the fact that my side of fruit was pitiful or that there was mustard not the sandwich when I asked for only mayo, but rather just the fact that I was upset by it. Perhaps it's due to the fact that I can still feel a slight light-headed feeling on account of my hangover, or maybe it's to do with the fact that it's cool outside and I'm supposed to go swimming with friends later, but whatever it is, something needs to change. I've been noticing a lot lately that whenever someone asks how I've been doing, the first thing out of my mouth is "I've been good". Not 'great' or 'fantastic' or anything like that. Just good. Then of course there's the explanation as to why I haven't been 'great' or 'fantastic' which launches me into the entire story of my summer. The cancer living inside my brother, the night that 'no' wasn't an option, and of course the text messages. It seemed like the first things to come to mind were always negative.
Over the past week or so something seems to have changed within me. This isn't to say that I don't think of the negatives at first, but that secondary thought, the one that comes after you've already told the person your sob story, that's what I'm trying to focus on. Those feelings of pure bliss at the realization that life is pretty damn good. Though the past two and a half months have been filled with some of the hardest times I've ever been through, they've also been filled with some of the best. Movie nights with friends, burgers and beer consumed in the driveway, days spent reading, and nights spent drinking. There are the mornings I wake up and can't recall what happened the night before, with the exception of a quick make out session with a friend against the bar. The late night tacos and early morning McDonalds. The bottles and bottles of wine shared by many and by few.
As humans, and especially young adults, I think we automatically tell the worst stories, or turn to these negatives, because that's almost how it's supposed to be. We're young, and we have crazy, drunk fun, but we also have troubles and pain and we see things so differently from that of adults. So many of us are going through school, working full time in the summer, paying rent and bills, and owning cars. We think we have it so hard, and we do, but only because we make it hard on ourselves. We want to be adults so badly that we forget we're still young. We want to own cars to have the freedom of feeling the wind through our hair as we drive down back roads, pedal to the floor, dust kicking up behind us. We move away from home and the comfort of mum and dad, with the hope that we will find ourselves, and perhaps find love too. We put ourselves through hell trying to get an education so we can get a job and a real house and be able to pay for gas without using the tips from our waitressing jobs.
And we forget that we are still children. That we can laugh and sing and dance without a care in the world. That no matter how hard times get, and no matter how much you want to punch and kick something, mum and dad will be there, ready to listen to whatever your problems are. We forget that we have some of the best friends we could ever ask for. That sometimes happiness comes from a five minute drive to get lactose-free sorbet for your friend who can't eat anything else. We forget that you can find peace just by sitting on the dock of a cottage with a bunch of people you don't know. And those sirens you're hearing out your window? Be thankful they aren't for you. We are so quick to grow up and be adults that we forget that we still have so much to be young for.
So yes, my side of fruit wasn't what I wanted and there was mustard on my sandwich, and no that it's gone I'm wishing I had gotten a bigger coffee, but I'm happy that in ten minutes I get to go outside and meet up with my friends and drive forty minutes to go swimming. I'm not saying that I'm a changed person, but I'm trying. I really am. Because negativity is exhausting and I don't need to lose anymore sleep than I already am.
Besides, the mustard on the sandwich wasn't really that bad.
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